Church-goers are an interesting species. They follow very set patterns of behaviour and can be classified thusly:
The Front Pewers
Identifying characteristics: Wholesome looking.
Behaviour: They arrive in multi-generational family units and take up entire pews. They know everyone and often think everyone should know them, too.
Accessories: The biggest, shiniest Bibles they can afford. Smugness.
Sub-species: The Christian family magazine Family; The Young Married Couple; The Young Married Couple with New Baby; The Married Couple with Naughty Toddlers Who Do Not Use the Mothers Room Facilities.
Old Ladies Clubs
Identifying characteristics: Grey, white or purple hair, perms, dresses with flowers on them, wrinkles.
Behaviour: Observe greeting ritual of kissing, chattering, smiling. Break into smaller groups; discuss each other when out of earshot.
Accessories: Old, well-read Bibles. Hearing aids. Surviving husbands.
The Music Club
Identifying characteristics: Proximity to electrical outlets.
Behaviour: Very enthusiastic about the music segments of a worship service. This enthusiasm never bodes well for the members of a congregation who can neither sing nor carry a tune*.
Accessories: Microphones, musical instruments.
Sub-species: Youth leaders.
Identifying characteristics: A unique blend of shiny happy happy Christians or the newly turned-around wretched.
Behaviour: They ‘participate’. In everything.
Accessories: Collection plates. The Holy Spirit.
The Back Pewers
Identifying characteristics: They look like they don’t belong. Their usual habitat is the back of a church, close to an exit.
Behaviour: Skulking and averted eyes.
Accessories: Very new or relatively unused Bibles.