Identifying church-goers

Church-goers are an interesting species. They follow very set patterns of behaviour and can be classified thusly:

The Front Pewers

Identifying characteristics: Wholesome looking.

Behaviour: They arrive in multi-generational family units and take up entire pews. They know everyone and often think everyone should know them, too.

Accessories: The biggest, shiniest Bibles they can afford. Smugness.

Sub-species: The Christian family magazine Family; The Young Married Couple; The Young Married Couple with New Baby; The Married Couple with Naughty Toddlers Who Do Not Use the Mothers Room Facilities.

Old Ladies Clubs

Identifying characteristics: Grey, white or purple hair, perms, dresses with flowers on them, wrinkles.

Behaviour: Observe greeting ritual of kissing, chattering, smiling. Break into smaller groups; discuss each other when out of earshot.

Accessories: Old, well-read Bibles. Hearing aids. Surviving husbands.

The Music Club

Identifying characteristics: Proximity to electrical outlets.

Behaviour: Very enthusiastic about the music segments of a worship service. This enthusiasm never bodes well for the members of a congregation who can neither sing nor carry a tune*.

Accessories: Microphones, musical instruments.

Sub-species: Youth leaders.

The Staff

Identifying characteristics: A unique blend of shiny happy happy Christians or the newly turned-around wretched.

Behaviour: They ‘participate’. In everything.

Accessories: Collection plates. The Holy Spirit.

The Back Pewers

Identifying characteristics: They look like they don’t belong. Their usual habitat is the back of a church, close to an exit.

Behaviour: Skulking and averted eyes.

Accessories: Very new or relatively unused Bibles.

Sub-species: Visitors.

*Me.

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